Sunday, October 10, 2004

Hibernation . . .

hi friendzz . . .

I am planning to go into hibernation for the next few days ... i am emotionaly not ready for anything new at this prsent moment. Too many conflicts around me ... inside me ....

I want to simply REST for some time to let things stablize in my mind.

I have to get some things straight in my mind. Right now, I feel lonely ! Absolutely lonely with no one around. i know some people who love me and care for me will not like this statement because they are there for me. But somehow, right now I am all alone.

The feeling I have is that I am not required. Thats one reason I am withdrawing from things and people. And my last hope of being wrong was that if i am missing and people do miss me, they will either call or inquire about me and my absence.

Well ... have not received any ... I guess no one is missing me or people are simply relieved that I am no longer there to interfere in their work. They no longer have to bear me. What a relief. If that is true; i guess I have made a right decision to withdraw. Atleast I am not troubling people now. hehehe

In the past several weeks, any idea, any suggestion, any viewpoint I expressed was simply rejected, shattered, refused, criticized ..... i was getting tooooo many rejections. It was Ok in the beginning. I was taking it as part of the game. But as time passed, it became a regular feature. Everything I said was simply not acceptable. I was now getting emotionally drained due to continuous and regular rejections. Things were simply not going as planned or as intended.

Over the period of time, I felt that I was no longer in the driver's seat nor in the Navigator's seat. I was there just to do somethings as decided and deemed fit by others. Not that i mind doing that, but I was not there to do things in this way. I was not to take directions only. I was there to create a direction. And now, I find that the direction in which things are going is no where close to what I had intended.

It is very difficult fer me to express exactly what is on my mind or what is exactly the chaos i am facing in my mind. i have never been good at words after all.

But the status as of today is quie different. There was a certain authority i commanded in the project by virtue of being the Event Co-Co-ordinator. Today, i find that authority being completely ignored and insulted.

Things are happening without my consent or advice. Things which have been decided after much debate that they will happen in a certain manner, are again done in a different manner (the manner which I had opposed) without even informing me (as if it were being done undercover, assuming that I wud not come to know about it and even if i did, what the heck !! who am i to say anything abt it ....). I find a total dis-regard of my authority and at times a total dis-regard of my existence as well.

But the end result is that I am living in a feeling that I am not required. In fact my absence is a sign of relief, may be.I am personally emotionally drained. I cant take any arguments any more.

Wherever I feel, i express my opinion and inform the others that here is what i feel. Now you can do what you feel like. I personally do not have enough emotional energy to debate and prove my point beyond a certain degree. if you agree, fine. If you dont, well ... nothing new for me, do as you like. now, i hardly care.

Last 3/4 months, I have devoted 24 X 7 of my life to MastishK .....and now when it is live and running .... i am detaching myself from it.It is very painful to detach myself from my baby at this stage but I guess i better do it.

I literally have no say in how things should be. My view point is not acceptable to anyone. Rather than creating any friction, I rather let them do what they want to do with my baby MastishK.

I am right now, jotting some pointers for the junior team to whome we will be handing over MastishK.Some learnings. Some guiding path. Some things to take care of. Some starters. Some ideas.

May Be .....
I am all wrong. No one is wrong. Its only me. Its all my fault.

May be ...
My thinking and thought process and ideas are so radically different or unique that people simply cant apprecitae their significance or impact. And hence the continuous rejection because they are not ready to accept them.

May be ....
Its all wrong in my head only. All that feeling of loneliness and betrayal and disregard is only a figment of my imagination.

Whatever it is .....
I am going into a sort of hibernation ...I will remain visibly inactive in the coming days.I will remain visibly absent in the coming days.I will remain with myself in the coming days. if people around me dont need me , well ... i am not going to disturb them.

I will keep coming to post on the blog to jot down my thoughts.I feel the current times in my life are going to bring in some massive change in my life. Dunno wether the change is going to be good or bad or worse (i am fearing the worse.)

Hope to survive this chaos in my life !!


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