Pages

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Something about Payal !

Today is 16th Sept. Let me tell you about yet another special person in my Life.
Payal ; my batch mate and the Shortest sweetest kid member in our G7.

I am a pretty cool person. I dont get angry. I dont take tension of any damn thing. I dont worry much about things. But yes, I do get iritated at times. on the whole, a very cool person who can be found usually in a very optimistic mood.

The past few weeks I noticed some change in me. I was going a bit low on tolerance. And that too only when it came to MastishK. Things were happening around me which were not exactly agreeable to me. I was unhappy. I was slightly disturbed. I realised that I was LOUD most of the times. I was in a state of dissapointment most of the times.

With exams on coming Monday, less than a week left, pressures were mounting on all. I was woried about MastishK. I never realised but MastishK had become my life in the past 3 months. I was with MastishK 24X7 ... literally.

Yesterday, I and Payal were out on the pond side on our routine evening after-snack walk. I was telling her about my dissatisfaction with the current happenings. I have been sharing with her my feelings in the past several days.

I felt I was getting Frustrated. I am not a type of person who would get frustrated so easily. But I was feeling it. I realised that I am at a juncture where my down hill journey is going to begin.

I was filled with dissapointment. i was getting irritated too easily. I was finding each of my ideas being shot down. Yes, each one of them. There was communication problem between me and Nikhil. We were somehow not understanding each others point of view and were having major dis-agreements.

There was darkness all around me (inside me)

Payal had been sensing this from several days. She spoke. She was direct. She kinda woke me up from my MastishK Slumber. She made me realise all the things I have written above. She made me realise that I needed to take charge of my life again. Right now, MastishK was in charge. I needed to put My MastishK and Myself in the drivers seat.

She did not say anything out of this world to me. It was all known to me.

BUT, if I have to light a candle in a dark room, i need a match-stick to light it up and to search a match-stick ; i need light which is already not there. I was in a similar state. I was surrounded in darkness and I cud not access my own wisdom. She pierced thro' the darkness and showed me some light.

She prevented me from going on the down-hill journey.

As this happened . . . I was reminded that Exactly One Year Five Days ago ...i.e. 10th September 2003; she had earlier done something very similar to me.

It was the Day Zero of Summer Placements for us, a lot of pre-processes were already done. Company after Company Short Lists were coming out and my name was very conspicuous its absence.

Towards the evening; 16-17 Companies had already issued their short lists and i was not in any list. No one was inviting me for a GD or a PI. Only 2/3 companies were left to announce their short list. I spent the whole day woith people; encouraging them, motivating them, wishing them luck, pedicting their short-listing / interview / selection (I was pretty good at that time. Lot of predictions turned out to be true.)

I was kinda getting dissapointed. I mean, I had never had trouble getting shortlisted in either Campus Interviews in Final Year of Engg. nor for MBA admissions ... moreover I cleared all of them. But here, I was facing a situation where I was not even crossing the first hurdle of even being given a chance to perfoem in a GD. The dissappointment & frustration had just set in when my name was announced.

Finally someone had short-listed me. But I was not in mood. I was already in the first gear on the downhill journey. Payal was on my side at that moment. She encouraged me. She said very few words. But they were enough to shake me back into reality and the REAL ME.

I washed my face and came out fresh. I decided that "I was not at all interested in giving many Interviews. I had to crack that one. I went in with my Most Positive ME ... and yup ... was given a spot offer for the summers with the company. i wouldn't have been able to do it had Payal been absent from the scene on that day. Me, the Motivator, actually needed that boost of motivation which she gave me at the critical moment.

Two occasions ... exactly one year apart (what a coincidence) ... Both occasions ... i was on the verge of getting in to the "frustrated" mode ...Both occasions she was by my side ... showing me light in darkness ... She made a big differnce in my life.

Thanks dear. You are a GEM of a friend !

Friday, September 10, 2004

:: Nirvaana : Enlightenment ::

Expectations : Root of All Problems

Now I know the source of all my problems ... hurray ....

Its ME !! Finally the culprit ... the pain in my neck , the tumour, the thorn pricking my soul .. is identified !! What a relief !!!

I cannot put it in words how it feels when you find the culprit ... who is causing the problems in your life ..! Now, at least you can blame somebody for all the problems in your life ... Its a big relief !!

In my case, I , ME , Myself turned out to be the culprit. Its 'me' who is literally 'creating' all my problems ! Yes ... I am the source, the creator, the genesis of my problems. Probing a bit further ... I found that its not entirely 'my' fault ... but my 'expectations' which are actually to be blamed ....

Moral of the story ..... 'My Expectaions are the Root Cause of All My problems'

In my last blog, i wrote abt my quest with my simultaneously present chaotic mix of emotions and feelings And no one to share with.

Now if we analyse closely ... it is My Expectation that my friend should .....
--- spend time with me
--- give me a (slightly) higher priority than other things
--- take out atleast some time for me (i know it is difficult but is it impossible ??)
--- and so on .....

All these are basically 'my personal expectaions' !

Now the question is :
why should someone do something just because i expect him/her to do ??
Why should someone change his/her priorities for Me ??

There are other more important people in their life to spend time with ... there are more important things to do than to waste time on ME ...

And just b'coz i keep relationships on top most priority and take time oput for them .. somehow .. anyhow ... does not mean that I start expecting others to do the same !!

Just because I feel that meeting face to face is important in a relationship does not mean that others also have to believe so. For some, even a message sent thro electronic media is as good as a face to face talk.

What if I believe in the philosophy of celebrating even the smallest moments of happiness to convert them into memories. I am a big fool to expect others to agree. They might feel it is a waste of time , effort and energy to indulge in such samll mementary celebrations. They might want to celebrate only the final result or the grand victory and also its not necessary that they might want to celebrate it with me.

Just b'coz i jump with joy when i have some good piece of news and catch hold of my best friends (they are so few ...) adn tell them and share with them first .... this does not give me the right to expect that others will also do the same ... They might not feel it is necessary ... or i might not be the One who is in their first's list ... They might not feel that I m imporatnt enough to waste time with ... not important enough that they come to me personally and share their joy .... a message sent or news relayed should be good enough ....

So ... its all my expectation .... so the problem is ultimately with me and not with anything or anybody. Its me who is creating problems for myself.

But i m Lonely ... Not because i m alone ... but because people who matter to me are absent.There is no one around with whom i can talk my heart. The One with whom i can relate soul to soul.

In fact I m missing the One in my life more than any body. The One person who wud understand me and share some moments with me.

I am surrounded by a crowd but still i am lonely. I am part of the G7 (Me, Nikhil, Tappu, Payal, Ashi, Medda, Shubham) but still 'I' am lonely. The 'real Me' .. yhe one which is directly connected to the soul ... that 'me' is lonely .... and its a loneliness which is eating me up gradually.

And who is to be blamed ?????
My friend; who is unable to give me due time and priority ???
Nopes... Not at all !!

The problem is that I expect to be in continuous or at least regualr company / touch with my friend . Anf that is not happening !So I am alone ... and that non fulfillment of my expectations is my problem !!

I guess i have turned out to be a big zerO (shoonya) as far handling this situation is considered .... !!

And yet again ....
I cannot write any further ...
There is extreme chaos in my mind ...

tears overflowing and crossing their confining limits ...

. . . And i got to survive it . . . . somehow . . . . anyhow !!

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Caught in an Emotional Tornado !

I am confused !!

Yes ... i m confused . Confused b'coz in the past few days / weeks i have experienced a whole range of mixed feelings ... and the trouble is that all the emotions are present simultaneously .

Its not that i was happy for some time and then sad for some and then bored for yet another period ...

It was more like i was happy , sad , hurt , excited , frustrated , bored , depressed , motivated , fearful etc ... all at the same time. All these emotions were simultaneously present within me. They surfaced either alone or several simultaneously at different times of the day in different contexts with different triggers.

Infact, the whole August of 2004 has been the most emotionally charged month for me in the last Silver jubilee years ... (i celebrated my silver jubilee BDay last Nov.).

The range of emotions that have affected me in the last month and the way they have affected me ... are mind boggling (for me at least ... )... and the biggest trouble is thatthey still continue to do so .....

My parents had warned me that August was a "heavy" month for me and i should be careful. What i thought was that i might encounter soem kind of accident or loss of money or belongings. I never thought (nor my parents did) that i was going to be in the middle of an emotional tornado. Of course, they know nothing about it even now. I have never discussed emotional matters with them.

Being involved on MastishK ... i was constantly thinking abt it. Its like my baby. i have seen it grow from conceptualisation to realization.And it has grown in my hands and in my mind. It is very much a part of me today. I am emotionally attached to it... completely. Every decision made in its context touches my heart. Infact, mastishK drains quite a boit of my emotional energy. The trouble being ... i m not finding anyone to help me re-charge myself. I am constantly discharging without any re-charger.

By Recharger ... I mean someone with whom i cud share the deeepest feelings of my heart. Someone who cud understand me and my thoughts ... who cud become a mirror for me. Someone who cud tell me "How was I" ?? [ If you were to ask me 'How are you ?' ... my answer will always be 'First Class' or 'fantastic' .... but in the last few weeks ... this has not been true ... and there is no one to understand and share that with me ... ] ...

That itself is more emotionally taxing. Struggling with a emotionally disturbed heart ... crying like a baby (literally) late into the night .... What do i want ... a friend who wud listen to me ... console me ... understand me ... talk to me .. "me" - the one hidden deep inside the external me ... can HE give me One ...

At this point ... i wud like to mention that when it comes to playing zokes ... HE has a terrible sense of humour ... or may be a wicked sense of humour .... may be u dont agree .... maybe he is biased towards me ... maybe I am the chosen one .. the guinne pig (never mind the spelling) .... but he has the habit of giving me "unbelievabe gifts" in the form of very very close friends ... and then with a twist in the story ... he takes them away .... nice strategy ... its like drug addiction ... it is heavenly and when a person gets used to it and cannot live without it ... take it away ... and watch the person squirm in pain ... HE is a sadist ! !

Coming back to the Re-charger ... I have many friends and some good friends too. But talking about someone with whom i cud actually discuss my deepest emotional problems.... well ... very few ... too few ....

One was my very dear sister out here in the campus. Alas ... she has left campus and now in far off lands. Also, i cannot and do not want to disturb her with my troubles. She has entered a new phase of her life and has enough challenges of her own. I somehow do not want to trouble her with my silly problems ... (yes ... my problems seem to be silly to those who know abt it ...). She might be having enough of her own.

Another was the new friend i have written about in my previous blog. She is simply too busy. She is not there for me for extended periods. I have waited to spend some time with her but it does not happen. I have asked several times ... but spending time with me is a luxury ... which she probably cannot afford these days.

And something strange is happening now. I wish to meet her or spend time with her and it simply doesnt happen. There is a lot of dissappointment , doubt over the strength and significance of the relationship , unhappiness , frustration !As days pass and i am unable to even communicate with her ... the dissappointment and frustration levels rise ... peak and reach such a level that when i m actually meet her or talk to her ... although i m happy .... the happiness is completely buried and overshadowed by the sadess due to frustration and dissappointment.

Overall ... we hardly see other and when we do ... my face shows expressions which are
exactly not 'glad' !


I m losing ... i m losing a friend ... maybe b'coz of my own stupidity (as someone might call it) !

There are times i think that i m troubling her by being the way i am. Rather than troubling her .. why not i simply withdraw from her life and let her live in peace ... dunno ... i suddenly find myself just giving her emotional trouble. I hate myself for doing that to the One who is closest to my heart.

We have shared one of the best moments of my life. talking to each other ... Just being present for each other.. i miss them. I miss them terribly. And somehow I have this very dangerous inkling feeling that such moments are never to happen again in my life. they will remain forever locked in my memories. I will miss them thro'out my life . . . .

I even started thinking that MastishK was causing that. MastishK was keeping me busy and so maybe .....But then although MastishK is keeping me busy ... I have never been so busy that i was unanble to spend time with any friend who asked for some ... Nope .. it has hardly happened. I might not be visible but in this age of communiaction thro the mobile ... i guess i m always accessible.

It might seem that this is turning out to be a Hate-Blog for her .... but it is not so ... i know she is busy and also understand ... (as i always do .. and am expected to do) ... But the trouble is that it simply doesnt go down my throat that someone can be sooooooo busy that taking out time for some imporatnt people in life becomes impossible. i dunno ... in my priorities ... people and friends (basically ... relationships ) are at top priority ,,,, nothing ... absolutely nothing goes over them ..... i guess .. thats not true or same for others ...

There are things of higher priority in their life as compared to me ... I am just one of the priorities in the list and not "the priority" !I do understand that just because someone is in my highest priority ... I should also be their highest priroty .... but then Expectations are always there ................

I write this blog in an attempt to understand my own feelings ... to try and understand the source of my problems ... I guess its ME ...

Also ... i need to talk ... i hate talking to myself ... when i do ... i talk all negative .... (although i m a very positive and optimistic person ...) ... so i m talking to my blog .... maybe my blog cannot respond to me but atleast it has the time to listen to me ... maybe thats all we want from our friends ... time ... and i guess ... i m not going to get it .....

This all emotional confusion and chaos is affecting my behavior too . . . i guess i have been a bit perpetually irritated in the past month. People around me must have felt that. (so sweet of them not to mention it to me ...).

Sometimes I dont know ... whether i m busy so i m becoming like that OR I m becoming like that so I m keeping myself so busy !!

I want to talk more ... but words fail me ... My mind is clouded again by a mix of emotions ... love .. hate ... like .. dislike .. My mind is like this blog .... too many colours .... and the background is all BLACK ... DARK .... somehow which signifies a Hope-less situation.

I find myself laughing at myself ..... I am a firm believer of "Hope is the Rope to Success" .... and here i am ... taking abt being in a hope-less situation .... hehe ... well ... thats a reflection of the state of my mind ! ! !

There is chaos in my mind ... total chaos ... and i got to survive the chaos ...

. . . shoOOonya . . .

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

MastishK Site Phase II is Up .. whew !!

hi friendzz ....

I have been absent from the blog circuit for quite a while ... and the reason i already mentioned in my last blog ... MastishK ,,, Its keeping me very busy .... i am working most of my time ... no time wasting .. hardly any sleep ... thinking all the time ... my MastishK is working 24 X 7 on Mastishk ....

The last 10 days have been very very hectic ... the junior teams were busy and so i and nikhil were left with very few 'technical' hands to work on the website. We had to launch the second phase of MastishK .. open up the registrations and launch the Informalzz section along with India's First ever B School Comic character "Arbit Choudhury" !

I hardly slept ... attending the minimum reqd lectures and coming back to my terminal and designing pages ... awake till 5 or 6 am in the morning and then going to sleep for 2/3 hours ....

In the past few days ... one thing i realised was that i was suddenly finding an enormous amount of energy within me to continue to work ... this came as a shockinhg realization b'coz i am basically a lazy person ... i realised that the source of my energy was nothing but the pure passion within me to make mastishK a very BiiiiG success .... pure unadulterated passion ...

At the same time... the flip side of the whole thing ... i havent touched books in this entire module ... exams are just 12 days away and i dont know a thing about anything ... i dont know how m i going to sail or drown thro the exams .... but the satisfaction of seeing MastishK up on the net is something which is right now blocking my mind ... i m still not realising the gravity of the situation ... i will need to study ...

and yes ... how cud i miss this ... we got a new URL for mastishk .... its ...

http://mastishk.nitie.net/

the old url will also remain active ...

http://prerana-nitie.com/mastishk

u shud have a look ... register yourself .... see the informalzz section ... enZoy ...
and yes ... I am waiting for your feedback ... do write in ... hemantkumarjain@gmail.com
or leave a comment on the blog ....

keep smiling and have a nice day ....