Friday, September 10, 2004

:: Nirvaana : Enlightenment ::

Expectations : Root of All Problems

Now I know the source of all my problems ... hurray ....

Its ME !! Finally the culprit ... the pain in my neck , the tumour, the thorn pricking my soul .. is identified !! What a relief !!!

I cannot put it in words how it feels when you find the culprit ... who is causing the problems in your life ..! Now, at least you can blame somebody for all the problems in your life ... Its a big relief !!

In my case, I , ME , Myself turned out to be the culprit. Its 'me' who is literally 'creating' all my problems ! Yes ... I am the source, the creator, the genesis of my problems. Probing a bit further ... I found that its not entirely 'my' fault ... but my 'expectations' which are actually to be blamed ....

Moral of the story ..... 'My Expectaions are the Root Cause of All My problems'

In my last blog, i wrote abt my quest with my simultaneously present chaotic mix of emotions and feelings And no one to share with.

Now if we analyse closely ... it is My Expectation that my friend should .....
--- spend time with me
--- give me a (slightly) higher priority than other things
--- take out atleast some time for me (i know it is difficult but is it impossible ??)
--- and so on .....

All these are basically 'my personal expectaions' !

Now the question is :
why should someone do something just because i expect him/her to do ??
Why should someone change his/her priorities for Me ??

There are other more important people in their life to spend time with ... there are more important things to do than to waste time on ME ...

And just b'coz i keep relationships on top most priority and take time oput for them .. somehow .. anyhow ... does not mean that I start expecting others to do the same !!

Just because I feel that meeting face to face is important in a relationship does not mean that others also have to believe so. For some, even a message sent thro electronic media is as good as a face to face talk.

What if I believe in the philosophy of celebrating even the smallest moments of happiness to convert them into memories. I am a big fool to expect others to agree. They might feel it is a waste of time , effort and energy to indulge in such samll mementary celebrations. They might want to celebrate only the final result or the grand victory and also its not necessary that they might want to celebrate it with me.

Just b'coz i jump with joy when i have some good piece of news and catch hold of my best friends (they are so few ...) adn tell them and share with them first .... this does not give me the right to expect that others will also do the same ... They might not feel it is necessary ... or i might not be the One who is in their first's list ... They might not feel that I m imporatnt enough to waste time with ... not important enough that they come to me personally and share their joy .... a message sent or news relayed should be good enough ....

So ... its all my expectation .... so the problem is ultimately with me and not with anything or anybody. Its me who is creating problems for myself.

But i m Lonely ... Not because i m alone ... but because people who matter to me are absent.There is no one around with whom i can talk my heart. The One with whom i can relate soul to soul.

In fact I m missing the One in my life more than any body. The One person who wud understand me and share some moments with me.

I am surrounded by a crowd but still i am lonely. I am part of the G7 (Me, Nikhil, Tappu, Payal, Ashi, Medda, Shubham) but still 'I' am lonely. The 'real Me' .. yhe one which is directly connected to the soul ... that 'me' is lonely .... and its a loneliness which is eating me up gradually.

And who is to be blamed ?????
My friend; who is unable to give me due time and priority ???
Nopes... Not at all !!

The problem is that I expect to be in continuous or at least regualr company / touch with my friend . Anf that is not happening !So I am alone ... and that non fulfillment of my expectations is my problem !!

I guess i have turned out to be a big zerO (shoonya) as far handling this situation is considered .... !!

And yet again ....
I cannot write any further ...
There is extreme chaos in my mind ...

tears overflowing and crossing their confining limits ...

. . . And i got to survive it . . . . somehow . . . . anyhow !!

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