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Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Caught in an Emotional Tornado !

I am confused !!

Yes ... i m confused . Confused b'coz in the past few days / weeks i have experienced a whole range of mixed feelings ... and the trouble is that all the emotions are present simultaneously .

Its not that i was happy for some time and then sad for some and then bored for yet another period ...

It was more like i was happy , sad , hurt , excited , frustrated , bored , depressed , motivated , fearful etc ... all at the same time. All these emotions were simultaneously present within me. They surfaced either alone or several simultaneously at different times of the day in different contexts with different triggers.

Infact, the whole August of 2004 has been the most emotionally charged month for me in the last Silver jubilee years ... (i celebrated my silver jubilee BDay last Nov.).

The range of emotions that have affected me in the last month and the way they have affected me ... are mind boggling (for me at least ... )... and the biggest trouble is thatthey still continue to do so .....

My parents had warned me that August was a "heavy" month for me and i should be careful. What i thought was that i might encounter soem kind of accident or loss of money or belongings. I never thought (nor my parents did) that i was going to be in the middle of an emotional tornado. Of course, they know nothing about it even now. I have never discussed emotional matters with them.

Being involved on MastishK ... i was constantly thinking abt it. Its like my baby. i have seen it grow from conceptualisation to realization.And it has grown in my hands and in my mind. It is very much a part of me today. I am emotionally attached to it... completely. Every decision made in its context touches my heart. Infact, mastishK drains quite a boit of my emotional energy. The trouble being ... i m not finding anyone to help me re-charge myself. I am constantly discharging without any re-charger.

By Recharger ... I mean someone with whom i cud share the deeepest feelings of my heart. Someone who cud understand me and my thoughts ... who cud become a mirror for me. Someone who cud tell me "How was I" ?? [ If you were to ask me 'How are you ?' ... my answer will always be 'First Class' or 'fantastic' .... but in the last few weeks ... this has not been true ... and there is no one to understand and share that with me ... ] ...

That itself is more emotionally taxing. Struggling with a emotionally disturbed heart ... crying like a baby (literally) late into the night .... What do i want ... a friend who wud listen to me ... console me ... understand me ... talk to me .. "me" - the one hidden deep inside the external me ... can HE give me One ...

At this point ... i wud like to mention that when it comes to playing zokes ... HE has a terrible sense of humour ... or may be a wicked sense of humour .... may be u dont agree .... maybe he is biased towards me ... maybe I am the chosen one .. the guinne pig (never mind the spelling) .... but he has the habit of giving me "unbelievabe gifts" in the form of very very close friends ... and then with a twist in the story ... he takes them away .... nice strategy ... its like drug addiction ... it is heavenly and when a person gets used to it and cannot live without it ... take it away ... and watch the person squirm in pain ... HE is a sadist ! !

Coming back to the Re-charger ... I have many friends and some good friends too. But talking about someone with whom i cud actually discuss my deepest emotional problems.... well ... very few ... too few ....

One was my very dear sister out here in the campus. Alas ... she has left campus and now in far off lands. Also, i cannot and do not want to disturb her with my troubles. She has entered a new phase of her life and has enough challenges of her own. I somehow do not want to trouble her with my silly problems ... (yes ... my problems seem to be silly to those who know abt it ...). She might be having enough of her own.

Another was the new friend i have written about in my previous blog. She is simply too busy. She is not there for me for extended periods. I have waited to spend some time with her but it does not happen. I have asked several times ... but spending time with me is a luxury ... which she probably cannot afford these days.

And something strange is happening now. I wish to meet her or spend time with her and it simply doesnt happen. There is a lot of dissappointment , doubt over the strength and significance of the relationship , unhappiness , frustration !As days pass and i am unable to even communicate with her ... the dissappointment and frustration levels rise ... peak and reach such a level that when i m actually meet her or talk to her ... although i m happy .... the happiness is completely buried and overshadowed by the sadess due to frustration and dissappointment.

Overall ... we hardly see other and when we do ... my face shows expressions which are
exactly not 'glad' !


I m losing ... i m losing a friend ... maybe b'coz of my own stupidity (as someone might call it) !

There are times i think that i m troubling her by being the way i am. Rather than troubling her .. why not i simply withdraw from her life and let her live in peace ... dunno ... i suddenly find myself just giving her emotional trouble. I hate myself for doing that to the One who is closest to my heart.

We have shared one of the best moments of my life. talking to each other ... Just being present for each other.. i miss them. I miss them terribly. And somehow I have this very dangerous inkling feeling that such moments are never to happen again in my life. they will remain forever locked in my memories. I will miss them thro'out my life . . . .

I even started thinking that MastishK was causing that. MastishK was keeping me busy and so maybe .....But then although MastishK is keeping me busy ... I have never been so busy that i was unanble to spend time with any friend who asked for some ... Nope .. it has hardly happened. I might not be visible but in this age of communiaction thro the mobile ... i guess i m always accessible.

It might seem that this is turning out to be a Hate-Blog for her .... but it is not so ... i know she is busy and also understand ... (as i always do .. and am expected to do) ... But the trouble is that it simply doesnt go down my throat that someone can be sooooooo busy that taking out time for some imporatnt people in life becomes impossible. i dunno ... in my priorities ... people and friends (basically ... relationships ) are at top priority ,,,, nothing ... absolutely nothing goes over them ..... i guess .. thats not true or same for others ...

There are things of higher priority in their life as compared to me ... I am just one of the priorities in the list and not "the priority" !I do understand that just because someone is in my highest priority ... I should also be their highest priroty .... but then Expectations are always there ................

I write this blog in an attempt to understand my own feelings ... to try and understand the source of my problems ... I guess its ME ...

Also ... i need to talk ... i hate talking to myself ... when i do ... i talk all negative .... (although i m a very positive and optimistic person ...) ... so i m talking to my blog .... maybe my blog cannot respond to me but atleast it has the time to listen to me ... maybe thats all we want from our friends ... time ... and i guess ... i m not going to get it .....

This all emotional confusion and chaos is affecting my behavior too . . . i guess i have been a bit perpetually irritated in the past month. People around me must have felt that. (so sweet of them not to mention it to me ...).

Sometimes I dont know ... whether i m busy so i m becoming like that OR I m becoming like that so I m keeping myself so busy !!

I want to talk more ... but words fail me ... My mind is clouded again by a mix of emotions ... love .. hate ... like .. dislike .. My mind is like this blog .... too many colours .... and the background is all BLACK ... DARK .... somehow which signifies a Hope-less situation.

I find myself laughing at myself ..... I am a firm believer of "Hope is the Rope to Success" .... and here i am ... taking abt being in a hope-less situation .... hehe ... well ... thats a reflection of the state of my mind ! ! !

There is chaos in my mind ... total chaos ... and i got to survive the chaos ...

. . . shoOOonya . . .

1 comment:

  1. So sorry you never talk to your parents about your emotions.

    ReplyDelete